hotel room ftw
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
