His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Every concussion has its silver lining
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
