In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
