I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You may now shotgun with the bride
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
