my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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