So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
