i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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