YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
