She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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