At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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