why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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