I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
