In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
birth control should be required to get into college
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
