i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
