I'm so fucking centered right now
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So. Much. Porn.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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