He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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