I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
