I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
its liver damage thursday
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