i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
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plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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