I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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