yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
