He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Still dying that you shit outside
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
