Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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