"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
pop tarts are not kleenex
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
