I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
