Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
