I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
