I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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