we have officially lost it.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
