Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
