That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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