shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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