I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
