I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
