A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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