You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
