LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You are the jesus of drinking
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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