i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
