Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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