I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
