i was born a porn star she said
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
