my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
