Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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