New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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