your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
