I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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