Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
