I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
