Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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