just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
