come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
