Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
