and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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